making space

At about 30 weeks along I started having contractions and out of pre-term labor fears my doctor "grounded" me. I had to stop working and doing errands and basically stay in bed and rest. It was very serious for about a week. At the time my stomach was already measuring full term, so it made sense that my body was thinking it might be time to "eject" babies.

I was sad and disappointed about being grounded. When my doctor told me I thought I might actually cry! I had really hoped to keep going. I know it's not rational, but I even felt embarrassed to quit working. I had just started a new very enjoyable supervision job at a university and was worried that they wouldn't ask me back in the future. I had to stop doing my private practice. I had to leave my non-profit job early. That this decision would effect so many of my dreams and hopes. It made me wonder if the decision to have children had been the right one.

As I spent that first week in bed I felt that I was literally being thrust into motherhood--that up until this point I had only been pregnant so to speak and now it was time to become a mother-- a woman who spends all of her energy on her children. This was something I had anticipated doing once the babies arrived, but I was being asked to start now. I started feeling better after a dear friend beautifully pointed out that becoming a mother was going to fulfill me and effect my life more profoundly and wonderfully than any university job ever could.

The day I started this rest happened to be the day before Lent. I know Lent is often thought of as a ritual where you we stop doing something that we enjoy or crave like chocolate or tv. But I think Lent can be more meaningful than that. I have a friend who describes it as a time to "make space" in our lives and I realized that being "grounded" during this season could be the perfect opportunity for preparing and making space emotionally and mentally and spiritually for two new lives.

Now-the best part of Lent is what comes at the end: Easter. For people who have given up an activity or treat, Easter marks the time when it can be enjoyed once again. The longings are fulfilled and the yearnings end. Easter is a celebration of Life and grace and a time when all our waiting and making space is fulfilled. I am eagerly anticipating what Easter will bring this year-two daughters. This space will soon be beautifully filled.