Again.

Part of being a parent is rolling with the punches, so consider an unexpected pregnancy the universe's way of helping you to learn to do that.  ~Heather Wittenberg

 

Bellina and Charlotte were nine months old. I was wearing my regular pants again. I was really feeling falling in love feelings for the girls. I was sleeping through the night again. I was enjoying myself as a mom. I was thinking how glad I was that we'd made it through the "hardest" and most labor intensive part of the first year of twins. I was loving so much about our life.

I had just finished nursing them, as they had really protested the continued nursing from about 8-9 months and so we had decided to be finished...and so I was free from nursing bras and schedules.

Really what I mean to say is...I was happy!

And you know what else I was?

Pregnant.

I was pregnant.

As in "theresanotherbabygrowinginsideofyourightthisverysecond".

And I didn't know it yet. And I didn't want to know. And I was in major denial that it could happen to me.

Pretty major. (obviously it can happen!! OH IT CAN HAPPEN!)

My first reaction was embarrassment. I felt out of control, confused and overwhelmed.

 "NO! I do NOT want to have another baby right NOW!" I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I could barely tell anyone. I could barely talk about it. It was just so much and so fast.

The twin pregnancy had been long and challenging. Nursing had been difficult. All of these things were just so fresh in my mind it felt impossible to think I was going to do it AGAIN.

I was able to make sense of it enough to announce it here on the blog, but it's been a long process and time of adjusting in the mean time. I've been waiting to write this post and reveal my real responses and thoughts.

I really felt trapped. I felt diminished. Like I was being locked into a windowless room and forgotten about. I felt limited. Like I was being forced to set aside this whole time of my life to grow another person and for some reason I felt like that meant I had to stop growing. Stop growing as a person, a woman. Stop growing as a parent. Stop growing as a professional. Just go into hibernation. It was a sense of loss. I felt sad. "I'm not going to be able to hold and play with my children because I'll be so pregnant!" was one thought I had. It felt like I was going to miss something of the new happiness I just discovered.

Like it was being ripped away. It's all over for you, missy. Just throw in the towel.

BUT!! I just started sleeping through the night again! I just started feeling like myself again!! BUT!!

I cried. I howled. I begged. I pouted.

It's the truth. I just didn't want to do it again so soon.

These feelings certainly didn't make it any easier to deal with, but they were just there and I have been waiting for the right time to share them.

I was SO sensitive to any one else's comments. People just couldn't say the right thing. If they were overwhelmed by my news I felt so much worse... It MUST be terrible if they can't even imagine what I'm going to do! If people were too excited and happy then I felt angry and annoyed...don't they GET HOW HARD this is going to be?! Everything hurt my feelings. Everything embarrassed me. I couldn't even announce it on facebook because I was so sensitive to anything any one would say.  What a mess.

I thought surely people would judge me. Did they have that baby on purpose?? Don't they know natural family planning doesn't work?  Gosh, I would hate to be them. How stupid do you have to be, c'mon!? She must be really dumb. Don't they think they should plan things out a little better, you know, buy a house? Where are they even going to put this kid??

(obviously all things I was thinking personally, but imagining the ENTIRE WORLD agreeing.)

And it kept going.

I started blaming the pregnancy for a huge well of unhappiness that arose from within.

I wished my life away and envied other people who appear to have it all figured out. I told myself, "I will feel better when I'm not pregnant anymore...I'll be able to do so much more and have hobbies and be the kind of 'domestic goddess' that I wish I was. I wanted endless energy. This summer I felt stress and fatigue. I was working 15 hours a week, which was good, but required a lot of energy, as well as taking care of the girls (thank goodness my Mom came out for a month!!)

I blamed the pregnancy when things between Matt and I became strained. I wished to go back to the happy moments we were discovering with having 9 month old twin daughters.

The reality is that all those stresses and unhappy feelings are and were a part of ME, not a part of this baby. Those are my feelings and my responses...lingering and waiting to be heard. The unhappiness, the perfectionism, the feeling of being judged, the wanting to measure up, the sense of being shunned or limited.

All things that I already had in there.

At a certain point this summer, I was challenged by a dear friend. She reminded me that each and every moment is the ONLY moment that I ever have. I can't expect to get to the "no longer pregnant" moment and suddenly be SO happy unless I could find serenity in THIS one. (this advice annoyed me at the time, but ultimately liberated me.)

She reminded me..."Lorissa, right now, as you are...with all your limitations and fears and overwhelming feelings, YOU ARE WHOLE."

Hmm.. it started sinking in. Pregnant or not, I am enough as I am. That I don't need a better moment, one filled with doing or performing or domestisizing. This moment was enough...with it's limitations included. Heck, I was gestating another person--how is that for domestic goddess?? I realized that I'm not locked in a room, alone and abandoned, but I was becoming more full, more whole, more alive with every second. Wow.

I had a change of heart.

I'M GROWING A BABY...and in this moment...I AM WHOLE. Right now. I am so very full and whole.

This pregnancy is bringing a surprise with it...well, obviously, a BABY BOY, but also some much needed inner healing and grace. Much needed.

p.s. Thanks for putting up with the non-stop CAPS during this post. Really, thanks.