Its alright to cry...?

Do you know that old "Free to Be You and Me" song, It's Alright to Cry? It's such a beautiful song. I have a favorite version that Darius Rucker sings. (I can't find that one on YouTube, so here is Rosey Grier singing it...)

It's alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you

It's alright to cry, it might make you feel better

Raindrops from your eyes, washing all the mad out of you

Raindrops from your eyes, it might make you feel better

This song has been more valuable to me as an adult that it really was as a child. I just don't have memories of hearing when I was little, though I likely did.

It makes me stop and think, though, do we really believe this? Do we really teach ourselves and our children this? I tend to notice that in our society, we actually don't. We really don't accept crying or emotional release, especially from children.

I know when I was 3, my parents were divorced, and when I would leave Kansas to spend 6 weeks in Pennsylvania with my Dad, I distinctly recall being very sad and crying very hard. My dad did his best to console me and then after a while would say, "that's enough now, you're going to make yourself sick so you need to stop crying."

Of course I was going to be sick. I was a tiny child who wouldn't see her mother again for 6 weeks. That's a sick feeling for a kid. Seems reasonable, too.

My dad wasn't trying to hurt me, he was feeling upset and sad too, I'm sure. It was an impossible situation.

But, where do we get the idea that crying could make it worse? That if we encourage our children to cry that they will never stop? Sure, it might be worse for a little bit, but eventually, it subsides...it releases...it gets healed.

Like the song says, it might make you feel better. (if you don't stop it in the middle.)

Two things got me thinking about this. First, my pal posted this article, which talks about helping parents "love" tantrums. For the Love of A Tantrum.

Second, after two different mom friends approached me for support about their children having meltdowns. These are some kick-butt moms who love their kids with so much of themselves and try everything to help their kids in these moments.

You know the moment? The 3 or 4 year old child, strong-bodied, kicking and flailing and yelling and flopping themselves wildly around? Angry and inconsolable? Loud and hot and brash? All of the sudden the sweet child is nothing but dangerous knees and flying elbows. Awful. Pretty tough. Probably the hardest moments as a parent. I mean, your kid is losing it...and so are you. Obviously the first response is that we want this to stop as soon as possible. Obviously.
 
I spent some time that day compiling resources and support for these incredible moms. Mostly all from parenting philosophies and websites which I personally use and love. I am actually thinking about compiling them here and making a separate page above for them...

In my compiling, I came across this incredible PodCast from Hand In Hand Parenting.  (click below)

Tantrums and Meltdowns

I felt like I was coming home in hearing this PodCast. I could not agree with the information more wholeheartedly.

The message it gives is helping parents realize the very words from the above song..."It's alright to cry". They say that the crying and the "losing it" is literally one of the most important ways we heal, express and ultimately release our anger and sadness. That otherwise it just stays down in there.

So, if we only focus on stopping our child from crying or melting down, we don't give them the chance to actually heal and release.

I really wonder, what would it look like if we could teach ourselves and our children that it's actually emotionally wise and healthy to release our emotion? How would that make things better for us?

They also talk about how laughing and other ways of connecting can also be a vital part of release. It doesn't all have to be bawling all the time. (Whew.)

Of course, they also address how to deal with compliance issues and discipline, behavior changes and all that extremely important stuff. This isn't about having a kid get their "way" all the time, but about re-thinking what it is that kids actually need and how to help them get that. And the idea is that when we do this, meltdowns naturally happen less often.

The Hand-in-Hand Parenting website is also full of other wonderful links to articles and other podcasts with great support and ideas. What an empowering resource!

After talking to my friends I was so focused on how incredibly difficult being a parent is and how vital it is that we join with each other to support and love each other.  You can join the hand-in-hand community on facebook and get support from the experts and other parents too. I have found it extremely encouraging.

If you listen to the PodCast, please let me know what you think...! (Would love to have some dialogue...)