It's a crying shame

Recently, my sweet friend was telling me this story. During a play date, she noticed her 5 year old daughter and her daughter's play mate behaving "secretively".  Intuitively, she followed after the children and found them hiding together in the closet. The little boy in the scenario seemed reasonably willing to explain what was going on, but my friend's daughter was completely shut down. She was afraid to tell her mom the truth.

After some reassurance that "telling the truth" will keep you out of trouble (what a nice policy) and some kind patience, her daughter explained that they had been looking at each others "bottoms". (This is the moment where every parent totally freezes, right??)

My friend, through cautious and thoughtful pauses made her best effort at imposing boundaries and creating a need for privacy and safety without causing ridicule or shame.

My friend urged with me, "I just don't want her to feel shame from me"... and analyzed her responses, searching the nuances of parenting and loving and keeping her child safe.  She's an incredible mom (as you already guessed) and it killed her when her daughter had shut down.

We've come a long way from the days of yelling "shame on you" at our kids.

And it left me thinking. How do we set boundaries and teach our children morals and safety without shaming them? Do you think it's possible?

Shame usually carries with it the message, "I am unlovable the way I am. I am flawed. I am wrong."

As if my friend had, for example, said to her daughter, "What is WRONG with you!? I can't believe you would be doing that with your friend, you're in trouble." And with that given the message that you must behave or I will reject you. But she didn't do that.

Of course, she still needs her daughter to understand that it's not acceptable. And I know my friend treats this issue equally with other common parenting protocols, such as not running into the street and not talking back. (Although, I think it's common to confuse shame into the issue of sexuality.)

BUT, the part of the story that keeps me thinking is that her daughter was hiding. And then when she got caught, she was unable to surrender the truth. It's like the shame was just sort of in there already.

Where does that come from, then? Observing my children, it seems that shame is certainly something that develops as we become aware of others, more so  than something we innately feel about ourselves,  as my 9 month olds currently have none of it whatsoever.
  
It seems shame is often in the context of relationships or perceived relationships. And it often has to do with expectations. And those expectations are often tied to being loved...being accepted.  And goodness knows, we are built to want to be loved.  So, we are vulnerable to shame in our relationships with  parents, friends, and even with God.

So, what if we actually need it a little bit...what if it's the only way we can experience love and grace? Maybe?

For me, the above has been true. My heart is like an oversized semi-truck hauling the freight of my shame down a dark highway. What I mean is, I've carried a LOT of it. 

as a girl

"I'm not as pretty enough...I'm probably annoying people...does everyone think I'm weird...?"

as a woman

"why don't I know more things...looking good there, bed head...I just cant get it together...I'm not successful enough..."

and as a mother

"I didn't really birth my babies, I had a c-section...my house is too small...I don't have enough money...why don't I rush in faster to get the babies when they cry...I'm lazy..."

Sound familiar...?...YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

And maybe it's true.

Because if only the prettiest ones or the smartest ones or the perfect ones were good enough, then I'm not sure any of us would even have a chance.  Or I would sometimes get loved when I occasionally "got it together" but I don't think that would be love at all...it would be more like a payment, you know? A wage for a job well done. Like something I earned. And love is not a thing you earn.

So, in the darkest moments, in the times when all these messages are screaming at me, I've been changed by Love.

Love that says, "I see you there... I see you hiding. And even if you hide again and again. Even if you doubt and churn again, I love you. And there is nothing wrong with you. You're a beautiful creation."

See...? I find love for that girl. love for that woman. love for that mother. love for the shame because it leads me to be Loved. And it changes me.

And to my friend:

Dear amazing friend and beautiful mother,


I see you. I see you aiming for perfection and striving to raise your darling child. I see you in your doubts and questions and insecurities.  And I see you living in grace, held up by love. And hear my voice and believe me when I say, you are not perfect but there is nothing wrong with you. You are not enough but you are loved, and that actually is enough.

I see you embracing your daughter's shame, the door that unlocks all grace. In seeing her shame, you truly show her love. Your daughter didn't run and hide after you found her, only before.  
 

And if your children did not have shame, how would you ever speak grace to them? And if you did not speak it to your children, how would they ever find freedom? If you did not free them how would they ever love in return?

Perfect words, perfect parenting and explanations or rules may not free her from her shame.

Love like a hurricane, sweep your child off of her feet and embrace her. And you will conquer all shame.


Always,
Riss