Only the Lonely

People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet.  ~Sa'Di

Being a mom has been surprisingly lonely for me. The happy hours and sweet moments are countless and I love my time with my children. I mean seriously, they are incredible and so sweet. I can't get enough of my babies.  I've just noticed that this stage of life has also pushed into some lonely places. And it really doesn't have anything to do with them. It's my thing.

I suppose motherhood is a job where you spend all day working for your clients and the co-workers are few.  (Thank goodness for play dates and facebook and text messaging!)  But, I have recently been noticing this loneliness even at my current part time job. I'm in a position where I don't work side by side with my co-workers. I'm on my own a lot. The full time staff are so incredibly kind and friendly to me. They say hello and ask how I'm doing. But, when they see each other, they smile and move close together for a warm and quiet conversation with lots of great jokes.  It can feel like I'm invisible when that happens. And I know they are all good friends with each other, so it doesn't hurt my feelings, but it leaves me wanting my own co-workers and inside stories.

The same thing happened with a neighbor, recently. I live next door to a woman whom I find very interesting and funny. She's also a mom and I look up to her in a way. We've been invited over for a few large dinner parties ever since I got pregnant.  I usually jump at the chance to chat or say hello, which generally occurs when we are both outside at the same time. The other day the girls and I were passing by and she was standing in the front yard so I lingered a while to say hi. Just then, a different neighbor, (from the other side) came out of her house and the two of them got swept away in their own conversation so quickly that I just sort of wheeled away awkwardly with the stroller.

Ugh. That was a very lonely day.

I'm faced with old ghosts when I consider the new social network of other moms. Sounds funny to say it but I feel like I'm back in high school with how awkward I feel and how shy I get.

I think that's the hardest part for me. When I start feeling lonely, then I also get insecure  and my mind turns into a bad neighborhood (a place you should never go alone). 

I took the girls to "book babies" at the library and found myself struggling to make small talk and thinking I clearly hadn't dressed any of us, the girls or myself, in cute enough outfits and when the babies went to bed that night, I spent an hour reading "how to make friends" and "tips for small talk" articles online. ( On the bright side, I'm very prepared now on finding things in common or asking about relevant topics...at least in theory anyway.)

My research actually did help a little bit. It encouraged me to be an initiator and be the one to ask. "Would you like to get coffee?" is a great catchphrase. So I've been making it a point to initiate time with people, especially other moms. I had coffee today at Crema with a mom friend who I used to work with. We related and enjoyed a good drink and soaked in lots of baby goodness.

And I felt refreshed. And not so lonely anymore. And it confirmed for me that I'm actually NOT alone. Not even a little bit.

And, for me, maybe those lonely feelings are not about being connected to someone or being busy, but more about insecurities and old sadness that I still carry around with me.  Stuff we all have. Feelings are just a part of being human.

And part of my healing is the act of sharing it with you.