Night of the volcanos.

I'm asleep. Steady breath, dreaming, drifting. Snuggled in. Resting. Cozy. Finally found that perfect place for my arm. Warm. Unaware.

then

I'm awake. Sharp breath, dread. A loud squawk. Silence. Hoping. Please baby... please go back to sleep. My body is a brick. Heavy and cumbersome. My eyes refuse me. My begging thoughts answered by cries. I resist. The baby starts to wail.  I'm fumbling and tripping over the shoes on the floor. Cold floor. Cold air. Make a bottle. Hurry.

then

Bliss. Deep breaths, doting, holding. Tiny baby body. Fleshy face. Nestled bundle. Small legs. Belly to belly. Oh and the top of her head smells amazing and I swoon. I want to soak this in forever. Peace. Quiet.

then

Stirring. Back to the crib. Easy, careful, gentle. Pause to watch and hold my breath. She's so tiny there in her giant crib. Suddenly she fills her lungs, sounding her protest. In an instant she is standing at the side of her crib. Disappointment. I thought I was going back to bed.

I endure. Pat her back. Pat her butt. Repeat. There there. Rub her legs, massage her arms, shh shh shh.  Is it working? Pleading. Questions. Hunger? Dirty diaper? Teething? Gas?  Endless.

More patting. More bouncing. Surprise. Doubt. She is still...has it worked? Take the hand away. One. finger. at .a. time. Aaaaand. baby lifts her head and starts to cry. 

(insert TWO hours here)

then

I'm managing a baby boxer. Elbow to throat. Fist to face. Fingers in my eyeball. Her strong grip pinching my arms and chest. Why I am I not in bed right now...ugh. Pacing the room with my screaming swaddled child. I have no more ideas... I am giving up...I am going to bed... I have to put this baby down right now. SOS.
 S...O... S...

then

It breaks. Surge. Eruption. My heart becomes a volcano. The burning lava of anger rolls and billows out of my chest and down my aching arms. Rage, impatience, exhaustion. Fire and heat. I feel resentment and regret and it's like I'm being punished. It all bubbles over.  I'm lost in the sea of "I do not like this!! I pray and beg for help. I take deep breaths. I tell myself it's going to be okay. "this baby will eventually go back to sleep."

But for me, it's the hardest part. And it is so.  very.  hard.

And yes, sometimes the other baby wakes up, too. And then we are two parents and two babies and zero sleepers.

then

In the end, something always works. Maybe its the bottle. Maybe it's the swaddle. Maybe its the fact she's been awake for two hours in the middle of the night. Maybe it's the arms of her Daddy after I wake him, and "tag out", exhausted.

But eventually, eventually. She goes back to sleep. And so do I.

then

Gentle light. Morning. Freshness. Forgiveness. The lava has cooled and subsided. The volcano is dormant. I soak in the goodness and the sweetness. And I surrender. Surrender to motherhood. Surrender to love, to awakening. I dread those midnight wakings, but I know deep down...this baby will not keep. And I will miss it.

And I wonder, will my volcano heart linger in the hardest moments yet to come...?