Pouty Mommy into Present Moment

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.  ~Author Unknown

The living moment is everything.  ~D.H. Lawrence
 

Easter snuck up on me this year.

But who am I kidding, all the holidays have felt like a surprise to me this year. The day before Thanksgiving, I started freaking out because it was the girls' "first Thanksgiving" and we were not "instilling amazing family traditions" and taking lots of pictures of these traditions.

Of course we had a great Thanksgiving spent with friends, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to "make traditions" and do special things with the girls. And the tradition so far...? Go eat a big meal with good friends. Simple, easy, special.

I think the fact that we are far away from extended family certainly stands out to me when it comes to holidays. There is not an automatic plan in place and sometimes that leaves me feeling untethered. This is another reason why having our own family seems exciting to me.

Anyway, I'm thinking about Easter.

More often than I'd like, I will feel begrudging of the day to day parts of my "mom at home" life. In my head I get bent out of shape over the chores and the errands and the mundane tasks. The diapers and the bottles and the poop sprayer (an actual gadget, not a nickname for the babies).  I start to think things like, "this is not the motherhood I pictured" and "I seriously have to do EVERYTHING around here."

I'm sure for all of you veteran mommies out there, you're just laughing... but perhaps you can relate?

Of course, I know that I'm adjusting and stretching into my role as a mother. Being the main caretaker and primary adult at home is a big change. I don't expect that I would already have it figured out. AND of course, I do have two infants, so I often remind myself that we are actually doing pretty great and it's okay if I don't love all the parts of this. I remind myself that life has it's own terms and those terms are generally that there is a lot of good and a lot of bad and also a lot of boring. 

And none of those things mean you're doing it "right "or" wrong", they just mean you're human. Life on life's terms.

So, I'm not being unreasonable with myself. I'm really just surprised at the amount of resentment and dread I feel when it comes to certain aspects of this personal and developmental stage in my life. It's an uphill climb. And just like when climbing an actual mountain, I can really turn into a pouter. (just ask Matt).

But, here I am as the adult who takes care of the children for the majority of the hours in the week and therefore am at home the most and consequently do most of the housework. (not that Matt doesn't do a bunch of errands and laundry!!)

Perhaps my problem lies in my expectations. I had imagined motherhood and family life and caring for babies as quite effortless actually. And what  do you get for having expectations? Disappointment.

Then today I was thinking about Easter. And I had this thought about transformation.  Easter represents transformation of old into new, of death into life, of hopeless into hopeful. And I started thinking about how this might be meaningful for me...

It dawned on me that these tasks and mundane moments might have more to them than meets the eye. What if I'm missing the whole picture...that I could become aware that I'm not just trudging along, but perhaps being invited to connect.

To connect with the dishes in my hands. To connect with the vacuum rumbling and my feet on the soft carpet.  To hear the water running in the bath tub. To notice the gifts and to say thank you. To soak in the present moment- the only moment I have. I guess it started to feel like I wasn't just giving but that I was also receiving.

And there, I find I can connect with God. And the moment is transformed.

Transformed to think that maybe I'm not alone and that God wants to do this with me. God wants to love me, to nurture me, to do tending and the mending inside of me. To love me...the pouty mommy.

God wants to mother me.

And it feels good to let that happen. It feels good to be transformed.

Do my own children feel this way about my loving them...? I like to think they do.

p.s. I have yet to try this with the poop sprayer...maybe some moments are best left disgusting.