photo belongs to dvs' (flickr)
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~Kahlil Gibran
Wow. Breastfeeding. What a task for any woman. What an all encompassing offering to feed any baby.
It hasn't been anything like what I expected. And, I'm learning this should be expected!
Starting from day one, both girls latched on and nursed in tandem. It was beautiful. The nurses all commented about their abilities. I was so relieved. It seemed that everything was falling into place perfectly.
Tandem nursing was difficult, but I was prepared. I'd taken a class about breastfeeding multiples and went away thinking I was fully capable of the task ahead. I even had a special twin sized nursing pillow. The lactation consultants at the hospital came and worked with me every day.
Within a few weeks however, my babies were not gaining weight. I came to realize I didn't have enough milk for one baby, let alone two. I still remember the day I went to my first consultation. I met with a fabulous consultant at Nourish Family Center. I tandem nursed for 45 minutes. We weighed the babies to determine their intake. The outcome was painful. Each baby had received only 1/2 oz of milk. I held back the tears.
This disappointment has rolled itself around in my head for the last 3 months...the regrets and questions have been seemingly endless...
The what's...
What was wrong with me? What happened? What do I do now?
The was's...
Was it because I got sick in the hospital? Was it because the babies were not efficient enough at nursing? Was it something wrong with me physically? Was it genetic? Was it my fault? Was I too stressed?
The should's...
Should I have pumped more in the hospital? Should I have never supplemented them to begin with? Should I have woken them up to eat more often? Should I just relax?
They why's...
Why hadn't the hospital supported me better? Why didn't it work? Why was this happening? Why couldn't I let it go?
When it came to my body not working "correctly" a desperation settled in. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't "move on".
Next came the unending ideas and interventions.
Drinking gallons of water, multiple lactation consultations, more frequent nursing, constant pumping, supplemental nursing systems, special teas, expensive tinctures, lots of skin to skin, increased resting, attending breastfeeding groups, receiving acupuncture and taking prescription medication. I tried it all.
Three months later, I have almost enough milk to feed one baby. I take turns nursing each baby, which has allowed for bonding with each one. (plus, it's incredibly easier to nurse one baby at a time!) I have an incredible support system. I have a wonderful husband. I have two healthy babies and they are getting half their milk from me. I've made it this far and that is something to be celebrated.
The positive and thankful thoughts bombard me.
Most times, this feels like enough and I find rest and peace.
But sometimes, sometimes sadness creeps up from my heart and spreads it's fingers across my chest and warm tears overflow. Sometimes when I'm nursing the grief remains. Sometimes when the supply runs low and my babies cry with hunger, the sadness stings fresh.
I still don't have enough milk. After all this time. After everything I've done.
I'm tempted to reach toward guilt. I'm tempted to shame myself. I'm tempted to keep striving in my heart. In this space I find no relief, only anxiety and regret.
Instead, I urge myself to allow the sadness to have it's voice. To let it speak through my tears. To rest in the reality and the present moment, even when it's a sad one. I'm not naturally good at being sad...at allowing life to have it's "downs". (I really like the "up's).
I'm surprised (and I'm not) at how often sadness masquerades itself as guilt. Motherhood threatens to become a nasty guilt fest. Is it really just me trying to avoid the quiet, painful times of sadness?
I'm a new mom and I'm learning (at the age of 30) that sometimes sadness is what is.
p.s. This post is dedicated to anyone who can relate in any way (small or big) to our bodies not doing what we expected or hoped or wanted or needed them to do and the striving, the effort, the confusion and the disappointment that goes along with those experiences. Hopefully our experiences can bring us together, providing us each with perspective that we didn't have before and enabling us to hold each other up through times of sadness.
Of course I haven't nursed twins, but I can relate to so much of what you wrote. At the end of the day, though, doing your best IS enough. Not perfect, not what you imagined, but it is enough. And you're a great mom. For me, discovering the space between ideal and reality has provided a great opportunity to remember Who is actually in charge of my kids, loving them perfectly. Perhaps I need these "not enough" reminders so I can't successfully wear my superwoman cape?
ReplyDeleteWHOA, WHOA! You're not 30 yet lady ;)
ReplyDeleteoh, this is matt. the guy that said that ^
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you because I know how badly you wanted this for you and your babies. This post is beautiful. Honest, raw, and beautiful. You may not be able to see it yet, but I think your experience, and your wise words about making space for the sadness, will help so many other mamas. Perhaps motherhood is the beautifully painful way that God teaches us to forgive ourselves. And to lean fully into grace. Being your friend is one way I experience God's grace....
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Just..... beautifully written Lorissa! You have a gift!!! I love reading your blog and am amazed at what an amazing job you are doing at capturing all of the ups and downs that come with being a new mom! I am sure that you have guessed by now, that this is SUCH an important lesson, because the "guilt" (sadness) doesn't stop after nursing.... as moms we constantly worry about weather we are "doing" enough. I am so proud of you and how you are so quickly blossoming into such a wise mom!! (It took me much longer to learn some of these lessons..... let's be honest..... I am still trying to learn some of them!)
ReplyDeleteAmynymous - No you did not read that correctly.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous-
ReplyDeleteI understood her post as articulately speaking to the sadness experienced when our bodies do not live up to our expectations, as she said in her PS (see below). I hope you find support for your sadness, as Lorissa's words have been support for mine.
Lorissa-
Thank you :-)
PS-This post is dedicated to anyone who can relate in any way (small or big) to our bodies not doing what we expected or hoped or wanted or needed them to do and the striving, the effort, the confusion and the disappointment that goes along with those experiences. Hopefully our experiences can bring us together, providing us each with perspective that we didn't have before and enabling us to hold each other up through times of sadness.