I Never Knew Love Like This Before

Sometimes people who don't have kids yet have asked me, "What's the best part of being a parent?" or "What's the hardest thing about having kids?" I might answer and tell them about how wonderful it is when the babies smile or about the difficult decisions that I am forced to make constantly. I might say how mind-boggling it is to see these living creatures that formed inside my own body. I might say how incredibly anxious I feel about the tasks ahead of me and the responsibility I face.

But, truthfully, it doesn't really work that way. It really can't be broken down into pros and cons. Having children is about love.

Have you ever tried to break love down into parts and then evaluate if it's worth doing? You can list all the positives and benefits such as "being wanted" or "not being alone" and you can weigh the negatives and risks such as "being rejected" or "getting hurt", but when it all comes down, it's much bigger than that.

If you're married, have you ever tried to explain it to someone single? It's just as challenging to describe having children to someone who doesn't have them. You don't want to paint an unrealistic and perfect picture, but you don't want to make it sound too awful, either. You know like, "Oh Man, I never get any sleep and I'm SO exhausted that I feel angry and want to run away" (even though that might be true sometimes). Or like, "Wow. My babies are so perfect and my husband is so perfect and I just love everything about being a mom." (even though that's true sometimes, too.)

Having kids is a package deal, just like everything else in life. Life has joys and anxieties mingled together in almost every circumstance.

Kind of like buying a new house that you own and it's exciting and special. But now you have to pay for everything that breaks and you constantly think about what you can do to "fix the place up", not that you have any time or energy or money for that after you get home from your full time job. geez!

Or like finding the love of your life only to realize you have to share a bathroom...gross!

Life has a natural give and take. Our task is to enjoy each stage of life and whatever gifts we find ourselves with. Be it singleness or marriage, mortgaging or renting, babies or no babies.

Each has it's gifts.

For me, the gift of parenthood has been experiencing love in a brand new way. It's a visceral response that I literally feel inside my bones, inside my guts. Literally. When I first felt it, I didn't think that love was even the right word for it. It's almost like we need a whole new word. The English language doesn't even contain it. I could call it "motherhood". Matt said I should just make something up and suggested a nonsense word, but I can't remember it. I never knew love like this before. I just don't know how to explain it.

The craziest part of this new love is that it's completely one sided at this point. My children acknowledge me and know me and look to me for survival.

But they don't really love me yet.

And here I am, their mother, their very first experience of love.

No, I never knew love like this before.

And that is my gift. I hope it is their gift too.

(and, yes, I hope you have that cheesy 80's song stuck in your head now!)